Me. Living Uncomfortably.

entry #14 wednesday, october 8

Dear ____,

im working on myself. im trying I really am. but I feel at every turn im facing something im not sr how to combat what im feeling. for starters im feeling hurt. i feel betrayed and a little like im not good enough and that makes me scared. my girlfriend Isabel has feelings for a girl i used to consider one of my closest friends at one point. I knew it was going to happen I had a sick to my stomach feeling before I left about it. So I made Brenda promise she wouldn’t flirt and do anything like that. But she broke that promise flat out lied to me. Then left me. Im so mad. Im furious. My first thought was to punch a wall. And then I thought, why? Her face is the perfect target. I almost bought the first plane ticket home. I would have done it to. But izzy panicked when Brenda told her she wasn’t talking to her anymore. Ad I hate seeing izzy sad. So I stopped and made them be friends again. It honestly kills me a little. I hate it. I feel betrayed by both of them on some level. They both had my trust. And they continued (still do) to flirt and “joke” as they like to call it. I call it pushing the limits. I cant even flirt with izzy without her getting irritated. I feel so enraged because Brenda can do it and its fine. But I do it, and izzy gets irritated. I feel that Brenda has no respect for me and izzys relationship, and izzy doesn’t quite see it that way. I don’t know maybe its me being overprotective and closed minded. But it still hurts. I hate it. I hate it so much. Ive never had eyes for anyone else but her in this whole almost 9 months we’ve been together. Never. Not once. And it makes me so paranoid. And scared. I feel like I cant compete with Brenda. Shes pretty, thin, smart, and still goes to school with izzy.

 i get so scared. I have everything invested in izzy. my heart, I told her id marry her someday. Gave her the promise ring and everything. i know she still wants to marry me. But I have that nagging feeling in the back of my mind. Because if I was enough, if I was all she ever wanted, she wouldn’t have feelings for Brenda. And it sucks because if I lose izzy, I will have it worse than when I got left by edith. I just cant go through that kinda of pain but ten fold. It will fuck me up, and im worried ill end up like mom. Because as it is I am so paranoid it isn’t funny. I feel like I cant show izy how much I love her any more than I am. Im pushing so hard. And I know she feels the same. I just have dark thoughts. I want to punch a wall. Repeatedly. I just want to keep going and going until I paint the wall red or I break something. But I cant, I know I cant. Im a percussionist, I need my hands. And then I feel panicked and trapped in my own mind. I try talking to izzy as much as I can. But I feel awful when I bring it up to her. I need her in my life. I cant lose her. Im so sick of losing people. I cant do it again. Im shaking, I cant stop crying I hate this. I hateit so much. I feel so angry and in pain. I just want to hug izzy and kiss her and fall asleep with her. I miss jade so much too. I need my big sister. I need my girlfriend so much. I need them both.

I know izzy is sexually attracted to her. And im me. I have psoriasis, and I gained the freshman fifteen. Im not small. I told izzy. I don’t know if im comfortable having sex with her after this. Like I don’t think I can just jump back into it. I feel horrible about myself. Like I always compare myself to Brenda now and its killer for my self confidence. I know izzy is the most beautiful woman on earth. I feel like all the confidence she had built up in me got shattered. And that’s why sex isn’t like a thing I can do now. I mean maybe im wrong, I hope I am, but I don’t know.

Moral of this is that im hurting. Me and izzy are trying to rebuild and I feel like because she has feelings for Brenda still, its going a lot slower. Don’t get me wrong, my dark thoughts and mental illnesses aren’t helping. I wish I could be mentally better because maybe this would be easier to deal with.

All I know is that I need izzy. I need her in my life. I want to marry her someday. And I want us to get better. This is going to take some rebuilding, but we can do this. We can. I know we can.

Ps. I still want to punch Brenda in the face. But I guess I wont because izzy still is her friend.

Im getting through the dark thoughts,but its hard. I think i can do it.

i hope you’re doing well, love you

Entry #13 Thursday, September 25

Dear ____,

I’m hurting. I finally made it to college. I moved seven hours away. Packed up my life in Whittier and tried to start new. And now I feel like everything is falling apart. My girlfriend of nine months thinks she has feelings for our best friend. So my heart feels like it’s being trampled on. I can’t stop listening to last hope. And praying my roommate doesn’t come home to see me like this. But I just can’t stop crying. I feel nauseous it hurts so bad. I don’t know what to do. I want to stay positive and say that if she leaves me I’ll be fine. But I won’t be. I won’t be. I won’t be. She’s texting me now. And I can’t. I can’t lose her. I’m not ok. I’m 700 miles away from friends and family and I just want a hug. And Jade. God I want to cry so hard to Jade. I just want to yell and scream. And have her tell me it’s ok. Because she’s my big sister and that’s what she does. But I can’t. And I miss her. And my kasers. And my cody. And I am hurting. So much. So so so much.
I’m losing her to brenda. My birdie. Our best friend. And I’m stupid. I knew this was going to happen. I should have stayed in Whittier.

I feel like shit. But as always,
I hope you’re doing well.

Entry #12 Monday , August 25

Dear ____,

I start college at Fullerton tomorrow. We’re still trying to fight the decision east bay made. So I don’t know what to do there. I’m in between. But I have no ride to school. And I feel like I’m drowning. It’s like I’m supposed to be doing certain adult stuff but it’s hard because I haven’t gotten the hang of it. Not yet. I will!

I got a new ps2! Myu inner nerd is screaming with joy. Yes, jazzy you get to play games now. Woo woo! I beat kingdoms hearts all my team was level 100 and they all have the best weapons and spells. I’m so stoked! Lol. See! Nerdy.

Jades home! :D I’m so excited! I still wanna punch sal in the face for her. But I’ll support her in anything she chooses. Because that is the right thing to do! As long as she’s safe I won’t nag too hard haha

I’ve had an amazing couple of days with izzy! We talked about the fights we’ve been having and we resolved them. And I’m a happy camper! I am very much so in love with her! She’s my rock. My light. And I love her. I’m ok with saying that. Because I know she feels the same way. She’s my girl! I’m getting sappy. Oops. Ok. Enough of that.

I woke up yelling and crying last night. I had another nightmare. I hate them so much. I really do. Cody came in and hugged me and calmed me down. He’s such an amazing brother sometimes. Sometimes! Lol other times I wanna punch him in the face! Jk sorta. My nightmares make me nervous. Because what happens if I move into dorms my dormmates are gonna be freaked. I can’t wake up like that. Or if I get an apartment with jade and do that? Jesus. I think she’ll punch and kick me for scaring her xD but these things make me nervous. XP oh well. I’ll find something to do.

I hope you’re doing well.

Entry #11 Sunday, June 15

Dear ____,

I haven’t written in what seems like forever. partially because I didn’t have a computer and because writing on my phone became increasingly difficult. it added unwanted and unneeded stress. Hmm how do i catch you up? well, for starters. I graduated! yay! I’m officially out of high school! and on my way to becoming a college freshman! I will be attending CSUEB in the fall. I’m excited.

On a bigger note, I’m now dating my best friend. i had a sexuality change since I’ve been gone. i had been struggling with it in the past. but into my senior year, i decided i didn’t care what people thought. I came out to my family and friends as Bisexual and was met with minimal resistance. it was a great relieve to know that they didn’t have anything bad to say about it. now i have been dating my beautiful girlfriend for 5 months and we are still going strong. Her family was a little harder to get to come around but now they seem to like me, so i am not complaining at all.

I am a little worried about Jade. She is back to being best buddies with Sal and that is a little worrisome because he talks a lot of crap on me because of Edith. i miss Jade, but she is on tour right now and im so happy for her! She knows i love her. Sal can suck it. and you know what? I really cant bring myself to get too sad about it because i have a beautiful girlfriend, amazing friends, and some family by my side.

Welp! today is fathers day so i have to go! But expect me to be back to write more! i just got a new computer and smart watch so i shall be back! 

I hope you are doing well.

Anonymous said: I read your blog and it breaks my heart to see your pain on paper. Some of these things you need to tell people holding so much of this pain and hurt in isnt healthy. Its hurting you more writing it here instead of letting it come out to the people who really need to hear this stuff.

Dear anon,

I’m sorry I broke your heart. Honestly, I never thought someone would ever read this that wasn’t izzy. (You’ve heard me speak about her before.) But I mean you did. And in a way your right, I should tell these things to the people that need to hear them. And since reading this, I have spoken to them. Not about a lot of it. But I’ve tried talking to them. Some of them listened with open ears. Some didn’t. I’ve come to realize that some people just aren’t going to listen. I write on this blog as much as I can because it helps me deal. I have issues that I haven’t even begun to work through that go waaaaaay back. Haha This is my way of working through some things. Without bothering the people around me. But thank you. I don’t know if I actually know you and you found this. Or if you don’t know me at all and just stumbled upon my blog. But thank you.

Entry #10. Sunday, December 1

Dear ____,

     I am currently laying in bed still recovering from the best/longest hike I’ve ever been on. It was fucking awesome! I’m going again on Tuesday. So pumped. Ok well let’s see. Today is the last day of break and oh holy hell, I’m not down to go back to school tomorrow. We have out first indoor drumline rehearsal! I’m center tenor again. And Brendan is in it again. I’m really happy that he decided to come back. This season should be great.

     Jade came and we had another movie night. We talked ALOT holy crap. We watched movies. Charlie’s angels to be specific haha she says things that confuse me and embarrass me sometimes. I can’t tell if she does it purposefully though. Lol like she’ll make comments about sex or something and as open as I am. She is 50729101010776666352527191010002233534353728200099887766665555 times more open. Yea. That’s a number. Fucking look it up. But yea and some stuff just totally throws me off and the only thing I can say is “I just can’t” it’s funny. And I have no problem with it but just makes me curious if she doe  it purposefully. Haha so yea, we talked about deep personal crap. And other assortments of philosophical things. So that was joyous. All in all. I had fun. :) I had some drinks and called her. I remember it so I didn’t have to ask her what I said. I just remember being really happy to talk to her. But really sad that I was interrupting her movie xD I’m so weird. It’s great.

     Ok so my feelings for Dylan are weird. My hike made me realize that. I’m so dead set on the idea of it never working that it won’t work. If that makes sense? I will run. And I will hurt him. And I don’t want to. So keeping him at arms length is the best possible solution. No one gets hurt. Except him because I’m “shutting him out” when in reality I do that to anyone who isn’t Rachel, Jade, or Izzy. So for now I’m not going to do anything! Nothing. I’m going to stay away.

     Izzy is still hurting herself sometimes. And it tears me up. Yes, I do things she doesn’t like. She hates them because she thinks I’m hurting myself. And yea, I guess in the long run it isn’t exactly healthy. But I’m not terrible it’s not daily. Granted, neither is hers. But 1 slip and she can be torn away from me. I can’t. I’m so done with losing people. The whole reason for my 7 mile hike was so I could stop thinking about everyone leaving. Gah. I’ll tall about it later. But regardless she thinks she can be safe and “I’ll never understand”. I had the scars. My psoriasis wiped them out but they were there. I had the pill problem. Everyday. Every single day. I would take the strongest painkillers I could get my hands on. To try and numb the pain. It’s a little bit different but I understand the pain. I just wish I could help more. Be more understanding of exactly what she wants me to understand. Especially after her breakup with Austin.

      So on Saturday morning, I was texting Jade. It’s always a fun time to text her. Literally, I’m never bored when talking to her. Well we were talking about ballerinas and weird shit like that. And she came out and said how much she wants to leave. How much she needs to leave. And I get that. I really do. I want to leave so bad sometimes but I can’t. I’d freak out without someone with me. I just can’t. Well at first I thought she was just throwing it out there like dude I want to go so bad. But then she said she’s Damn serious. She’s leaving “soon” (whatever and whenever the fuck that means) I swear to Gods, I felt my heart break. Right then. Just stopped. My throat restricted and I felt overwhelming panic. I wanted to yell at her to not leave me. I wanted to walk to her house and hug her so she would understand how much I want her to stay here. I want her to stay and be with me as I get college letters, when I go to prom, when I turn 18 and go get my first tattoo with her, when I graduate, when I go to college nearby. I want her to stay in my life. I don’t know when “soon” means. It could mean after all those things. But even after those things there’s so much more. And I sound like I’m bitching. And I swear I didn’t tell her any of this. I told her that it sounds exciting and fun. And how brave she is. And how much it makes me nervous. And for her to please be safe. And that I swear to Gods she better get another cell phone after she chucks her old one in the harbor, lake, some large body of water. It’s like her dream. A dream that fills me with panic and worry. But her dream. What was I going to say? No? Hah! No way. I needed to be supportive. Even if it meant breaking my heart. Right? Cuz that’s what your supposed to do when you care for someone. Right. I did the same thing with Rachel. When she wasn’t coming home for a year. She told me she was staying at the barn and I put on that smile and God damn did I say encouraging things! Haha ugh. Well yea that all led to me going on that hike. It was long and brutal but it made me temporarily forget things! And I felt great.

       Lately, the nightmares have gotten worse. Waking up at around 12 or 3 or both. And it’s just complete pain. Like I just want to curl up and cry. It hurts. And I fucking hate them. They go away when people sleep over. But other than that they are always fucking there. I swear if I feel one more memory from the night Edith left me. I will just scream. It’s frustrating that it still hurts. I’m almost 18 I was like 15 maaaybe 16 when it happened. Get over it Jazzy. Fuck.

        On a brighter note, dark sky’s first camp is this weekend! Woo woo! So pumped! I miss the dark sky buddies. Spending weekends with them is going to be fucking great! And the music this year will be super awesome! :D

    I wanna end this on a happy note. I’m thankful for everyone i have in my life. Especially those I hold closest to my heart.

As always, I hope your doing well.

Entry #9. Wednesday, November 6

Dear ___,

     So yupp it’s been a pretty jam packed couple of weeks. Lots of practicing! And comps and my closest friends. So I’m going to start off with Halloween. It was on Thursday, FUCK that. I had zero period the next morning. Anyways, it was a crap day from the very start. Everyone was sucking so hard and I had been on the verge of a panic attack since that morning when I felt like everything had been piling up on me. I went through the day trying to keep it together. I texted Jade a lot. I do that when i start to feel really panicky. It helps because I know she’s there. I’ll get into that later. But yea, I didn’t wanna bug her because I knew we were going to hangout later that day. So I get home thinking that I’m going to relax for the rest of the day but my dad started pounding on my door and he came in yelling. And when I agreed with him and told him I was wrong. he got more mad at told me that I was done with dark sky. I started crying. I hate crying. I lasted the whole time of him yelling at me but that broke something. He finished yelling after I had started crying and he took back what he said. I had already shut him out. He started talking about how I’m like my low life aunt who still lives with me grandfather. He was lashing out and it hurt more. I just got really angry. It hurts less if I’m angry with myself. So I just got really mad. I mix anger and sadness and I know I shouldn’t. So he tried to hug me after he was done and I had grabbed my arm when he did because I was shaking i was so mad. I love my dad so much. I am a daddy’s girl. So to hear him say hurtful things cut deep. I don’t think he knows just how hard it is for me to keep it under control. I had lasted 2 months and 5 days without a panic attack, I didn’t want to lose that achievement. He left the room after that and when I looked down at my arm I was bleeding. I didn’t mean too. I just couldn’t deal. When I saw the blood and I could hear everything that he said echoing in my head I started panicking. I knew this one was going to be bad if I let it start so I tried closing my eyes and singing pachuca sunrise. I even blasted it on my iPod. It didn’t work I was shaking and crying and I couldn’t stop anything. It hurt really bad and it was even worse because I lasted 2 months and I had failed to keep it together. Jade called me about halfway through to ask me what my favorite candy was. And I tried to play it off like nothing was wrong. But she’s Jade, and I’m horrible at keeping it together. So I kept telling her I couldn’t and she just said it’s ok. Everything is ok. And I felt the knot in my stomach loosen and the hurt didn’t hurt as much. I started to calm down. She has that way, she did it at the beach too when I was freaking out in the water she held my hand. Like a sibling would hold onto their younger siblings hand. Comforting. I calmed down and she came over and I had a hell of a lot of fun! She really made my Halloween fucking awesome. Trick or treating was great! And WGI and DCI videos were great.

    So Monday was band jam. And me and izzy were hyping it SO HARD!! It was great. She’s a good friend to me too. It breaks my heart sometimes with what she has to deal with. So I try to be there for her as much as I can. We joke so much I laugh so hard I cry. It’s fantastic. And I see her going big places just like i see Jade going big places. Speaking of which! Jade went to band jam. It made me really happy. More than I could explain. Ok, I’m gonna say it now. I look at her like a big sister. There, I said it. I just won’t tell anyone else. Because I don’t want anyone to think she’s a replacement for Edith. She isn’t. My bond with Jade is different than how things were with Edith they are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE. I don’t want her to think I look at her like I did Edith. Cuz I don’t. At all. Lol during one of her late night hoodlum fueled phone calls she said she wanted to be a big sister to me. And i started crying. Not out of sadness but the fact that I didn’t realize how much she really did love me. I knew she loved me but I think that just solidified it for me. Ok well she came to band jam and it made me really happy cuz I look at her like family and to see her there watching me perform. Just was awesome. Anyway, so band jam was great the drum battle was great. It was fun.

   I got contracted for Dark sky! Super excited for this upcoming season. Even if I am going up against my friends. Uggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh lol it’ll be cool to own. Just kidding. Sorta. Haha well nothing much new with that guy. I still get super girly and weird but ugh whatever. He makes practicing my scales in 4ths and 5ths increasingly hard when he’s so sweet and warm and gah. Shoot me! Whatever I’m going to finish up homework and hopefully have a nightmare free sleep!

Hope your doing well.

    

Entry #8. Tuesday, October 15

Dear ____,

      Sooo it’s been rough. I’m not going to lie. I have been overthinking everything and I just am having problems not drowning. Don’t get me wrong this weekend was great! We beat cal! 2nd place at the field tournament. Our drum major got 1st at the parade! I got to see ismene that was cool! And dark sky auditions part 1 on Sunday. It was great! I missed it. Being around my friends. So that guy showed up to the comp. I couldn’t stop smiling. It was sooo girly lol he came and picked me up and hugged me really tight. He didn’t let go for a while. It felt comforting, made me really calm. And after everything Victor had done and everything that had gone wrong that day. I absolutely loved that hug. It makes me want another hug now. It’s so girlishly gross but hell, it’s the truth haha

    So I was supposed to go dress shopping with Jade today. It didn’t happen. And that’s ok. I was really worried she was going to think I was irritated, but I really wasn’t. I totally get it. Like stuff comes up and I get that! Haha oh well. I miss her.

     The vibes broke today. And it’s my job to fix it as usual. I’m ok with that. I just I feel like I need to go do something outside of sleep and band. Whatever, I just hope I start to feel less like I’m drowning again. I have been without a panic attack for a couple weeks now. I want to keep that.

Hope your doing well. Love you.

Entry #7. Sunday, September 22

Dear ____,

      Yesterday was great, I went to eat pho with my grandma. It was sooooo yummy. I ate everything! Then I went to the office and helped my dad. And got chili cheese dogs. Ad then slept ALOT. All in all, it was a relaxing day.

      Today, I downloaded a bunch of drum corps shows. Cuz I’m livin’ that drum corps geek life! Haha yay! So I woke up to Blue Devils<3 I’m pretty much in love with them. Oh geeze. So today was movie day at my house. It was great! Scott pilgrim vs. The world and pitch perfect. I got Dylan to watch pitch perfect. Mwahaha. AND I got my Vanilla! Takes me back to the first. So yea I love the smell. Yea, that guy? He didn’t come today. They lost Friday’s game and I guess he must be injured. :( I hope he’s ok.

I hope your doing well.

Entry #6. Friday September 20

EyeDear ____,

      So yea it’s been a while…again. oops. Well, school is going great. All A’s and B’s, I’m down for that. Band is… Well it’s going. Drumline needs to get it together. Me and Brendan have it together, minus some stick height issues, but no matter how much I’m a “bitch” and crack down on them, they don’t try. I fear its going to take our first competition to scare them into getting their shit together. I also have to learn to back off and let poptart control the front ensemble. I’m so controlling over both sections and I feel bad. I just feel that if I don’t do it, it won’t get done. Izzy is picking up on my leadership skills. And that makes me very happy because it means they aren’t going to die when I graduate. Plus, I think she’ll be an equal, if not even better, leader than I am.

      Ok so no more drumline. there’s a guy. Oh, yes. I know what your thinking. “The fuck, bro?! Didn’t you just get over the one who kicked you to the curb for college and bitches?” Yupp. Well sue me. I couldn’t help it. I’ll be honest though, I was uneasy when he first came up and started to hang around or even watch me practice. I mean, varsity football player/advanced jazz trumpet player? Yea jazz, you sure did it this time. He just enjoyed kicking it with my group. And then hugging and the cuddling. And now Sunday movie days with Mario kart? Yea. This man boy thing gasp managed to make me uneasy as can be. He’s smart and i can hold valid conversations with him. And hell, I’d be lying if I said that football jersey wasn’t gorgeous on him. But he is actually a sort of intelligent and cute guy! But as Jade has pointed out. There has to be something wrong haha no one is that great.

       I miss Jade. A lot. What can I say? I became attached. Oh well, no use. She’s a good person to be close to. Although, she’d disagree wholeheartedly. As brilliant as she is, she tends to tear herself down. And that breaks my heart. But at the same time she has the I’ll-kick-you-ass-and-look-hott-while-doing-it thing going on. Haha it’s pretty great. She’s running a teaching job and another one on top of school and practice. So I’m pretty much just shooting her texts and rooting her on from the sidelines. She’s going places. Big places. I’m happy for her. I hope I see her soon. I got her something. I don’t know if she’ll like it but we’ll see.

        Austin started talking to me again. I missed him. He was my best guy friend and then everything with Edith happened and I lost all my friends. But still he stuck around. And that makes me happy. Oh yea, Edith and me haven’t talked yet. And strangely, that’s ok. I’m living my life and she’s living hers. She walked out on my life even after she knows how that would work on me emotionally. And that’s ok. Because guess what? I’m still here. I’m still strong.  And the people who stuck by me through it are who I love dearly. Everything happens for a reason.

Hope your doing well.