Me. Living Uncomfortably.

Entry #11 Sunday, June 15

Dear ____,

I haven’t written in what seems like forever. partially because I didn’t have a computer and because writing on my phone became increasingly difficult. it added unwanted and unneeded stress. Hmm how do i catch you up? well, for starters. I graduated! yay! I’m officially out of high school! and on my way to becoming a college freshman! I will be attending CSUEB in the fall. I’m excited.

On a bigger note, I’m now dating my best friend. i had a sexuality change since I’ve been gone. i had been struggling with it in the past. but into my senior year, i decided i didn’t care what people thought. I came out to my family and friends as Bisexual and was met with minimal resistance. it was a great relieve to know that they didn’t have anything bad to say about it. now i have been dating my beautiful girlfriend for 5 months and we are still going strong. Her family was a little harder to get to come around but now they seem to like me, so i am not complaining at all.

I am a little worried about Jade. She is back to being best buddies with Sal and that is a little worrisome because he talks a lot of crap on me because of Edith. i miss Jade, but she is on tour right now and im so happy for her! She knows i love her. Sal can suck it. and you know what? I really cant bring myself to get too sad about it because i have a beautiful girlfriend, amazing friends, and some family by my side.

Welp! today is fathers day so i have to go! But expect me to be back to write more! i just got a new computer and smart watch so i shall be back! 

I hope you are doing well.

Anonymous said: I read your blog and it breaks my heart to see your pain on paper. Some of these things you need to tell people holding so much of this pain and hurt in isnt healthy. Its hurting you more writing it here instead of letting it come out to the people who really need to hear this stuff.

Dear anon,

I’m sorry I broke your heart. Honestly, I never thought someone would ever read this that wasn’t izzy. (You’ve heard me speak about her before.) But I mean you did. And in a way your right, I should tell these things to the people that need to hear them. And since reading this, I have spoken to them. Not about a lot of it. But I’ve tried talking to them. Some of them listened with open ears. Some didn’t. I’ve come to realize that some people just aren’t going to listen. I write on this blog as much as I can because it helps me deal. I have issues that I haven’t even begun to work through that go waaaaaay back. Haha This is my way of working through some things. Without bothering the people around me. But thank you. I don’t know if I actually know you and you found this. Or if you don’t know me at all and just stumbled upon my blog. But thank you.

Entry #10. Sunday, December 1

Dear ____,

     I am currently laying in bed still recovering from the best/longest hike I’ve ever been on. It was fucking awesome! I’m going again on Tuesday. So pumped. Ok well let’s see. Today is the last day of break and oh holy hell, I’m not down to go back to school tomorrow. We have out first indoor drumline rehearsal! I’m center tenor again. And Brendan is in it again. I’m really happy that he decided to come back. This season should be great.

     Jade came and we had another movie night. We talked ALOT holy crap. We watched movies. Charlie’s angels to be specific haha she says things that confuse me and embarrass me sometimes. I can’t tell if she does it purposefully though. Lol like she’ll make comments about sex or something and as open as I am. She is 50729101010776666352527191010002233534353728200099887766665555 times more open. Yea. That’s a number. Fucking look it up. But yea and some stuff just totally throws me off and the only thing I can say is “I just can’t” it’s funny. And I have no problem with it but just makes me curious if she doe  it purposefully. Haha so yea, we talked about deep personal crap. And other assortments of philosophical things. So that was joyous. All in all. I had fun. :) I had some drinks and called her. I remember it so I didn’t have to ask her what I said. I just remember being really happy to talk to her. But really sad that I was interrupting her movie xD I’m so weird. It’s great.

     Ok so my feelings for Dylan are weird. My hike made me realize that. I’m so dead set on the idea of it never working that it won’t work. If that makes sense? I will run. And I will hurt him. And I don’t want to. So keeping him at arms length is the best possible solution. No one gets hurt. Except him because I’m “shutting him out” when in reality I do that to anyone who isn’t Rachel, Jade, or Izzy. So for now I’m not going to do anything! Nothing. I’m going to stay away.

     Izzy is still hurting herself sometimes. And it tears me up. Yes, I do things she doesn’t like. She hates them because she thinks I’m hurting myself. And yea, I guess in the long run it isn’t exactly healthy. But I’m not terrible it’s not daily. Granted, neither is hers. But 1 slip and she can be torn away from me. I can’t. I’m so done with losing people. The whole reason for my 7 mile hike was so I could stop thinking about everyone leaving. Gah. I’ll tall about it later. But regardless she thinks she can be safe and “I’ll never understand”. I had the scars. My psoriasis wiped them out but they were there. I had the pill problem. Everyday. Every single day. I would take the strongest painkillers I could get my hands on. To try and numb the pain. It’s a little bit different but I understand the pain. I just wish I could help more. Be more understanding of exactly what she wants me to understand. Especially after her breakup with Austin.

      So on Saturday morning, I was texting Jade. It’s always a fun time to text her. Literally, I’m never bored when talking to her. Well we were talking about ballerinas and weird shit like that. And she came out and said how much she wants to leave. How much she needs to leave. And I get that. I really do. I want to leave so bad sometimes but I can’t. I’d freak out without someone with me. I just can’t. Well at first I thought she was just throwing it out there like dude I want to go so bad. But then she said she’s Damn serious. She’s leaving “soon” (whatever and whenever the fuck that means) I swear to Gods, I felt my heart break. Right then. Just stopped. My throat restricted and I felt overwhelming panic. I wanted to yell at her to not leave me. I wanted to walk to her house and hug her so she would understand how much I want her to stay here. I want her to stay and be with me as I get college letters, when I go to prom, when I turn 18 and go get my first tattoo with her, when I graduate, when I go to college nearby. I want her to stay in my life. I don’t know when “soon” means. It could mean after all those things. But even after those things there’s so much more. And I sound like I’m bitching. And I swear I didn’t tell her any of this. I told her that it sounds exciting and fun. And how brave she is. And how much it makes me nervous. And for her to please be safe. And that I swear to Gods she better get another cell phone after she chucks her old one in the harbor, lake, some large body of water. It’s like her dream. A dream that fills me with panic and worry. But her dream. What was I going to say? No? Hah! No way. I needed to be supportive. Even if it meant breaking my heart. Right? Cuz that’s what your supposed to do when you care for someone. Right. I did the same thing with Rachel. When she wasn’t coming home for a year. She told me she was staying at the barn and I put on that smile and God damn did I say encouraging things! Haha ugh. Well yea that all led to me going on that hike. It was long and brutal but it made me temporarily forget things! And I felt great.

       Lately, the nightmares have gotten worse. Waking up at around 12 or 3 or both. And it’s just complete pain. Like I just want to curl up and cry. It hurts. And I fucking hate them. They go away when people sleep over. But other than that they are always fucking there. I swear if I feel one more memory from the night Edith left me. I will just scream. It’s frustrating that it still hurts. I’m almost 18 I was like 15 maaaybe 16 when it happened. Get over it Jazzy. Fuck.

        On a brighter note, dark sky’s first camp is this weekend! Woo woo! So pumped! I miss the dark sky buddies. Spending weekends with them is going to be fucking great! And the music this year will be super awesome! :D

    I wanna end this on a happy note. I’m thankful for everyone i have in my life. Especially those I hold closest to my heart.

As always, I hope your doing well.

Entry #9. Wednesday, November 6

Dear ___,

     So yupp it’s been a pretty jam packed couple of weeks. Lots of practicing! And comps and my closest friends. So I’m going to start off with Halloween. It was on Thursday, FUCK that. I had zero period the next morning. Anyways, it was a crap day from the very start. Everyone was sucking so hard and I had been on the verge of a panic attack since that morning when I felt like everything had been piling up on me. I went through the day trying to keep it together. I texted Jade a lot. I do that when i start to feel really panicky. It helps because I know she’s there. I’ll get into that later. But yea, I didn’t wanna bug her because I knew we were going to hangout later that day. So I get home thinking that I’m going to relax for the rest of the day but my dad started pounding on my door and he came in yelling. And when I agreed with him and told him I was wrong. he got more mad at told me that I was done with dark sky. I started crying. I hate crying. I lasted the whole time of him yelling at me but that broke something. He finished yelling after I had started crying and he took back what he said. I had already shut him out. He started talking about how I’m like my low life aunt who still lives with me grandfather. He was lashing out and it hurt more. I just got really angry. It hurts less if I’m angry with myself. So I just got really mad. I mix anger and sadness and I know I shouldn’t. So he tried to hug me after he was done and I had grabbed my arm when he did because I was shaking i was so mad. I love my dad so much. I am a daddy’s girl. So to hear him say hurtful things cut deep. I don’t think he knows just how hard it is for me to keep it under control. I had lasted 2 months and 5 days without a panic attack, I didn’t want to lose that achievement. He left the room after that and when I looked down at my arm I was bleeding. I didn’t mean too. I just couldn’t deal. When I saw the blood and I could hear everything that he said echoing in my head I started panicking. I knew this one was going to be bad if I let it start so I tried closing my eyes and singing pachuca sunrise. I even blasted it on my iPod. It didn’t work I was shaking and crying and I couldn’t stop anything. It hurt really bad and it was even worse because I lasted 2 months and I had failed to keep it together. Jade called me about halfway through to ask me what my favorite candy was. And I tried to play it off like nothing was wrong. But she’s Jade, and I’m horrible at keeping it together. So I kept telling her I couldn’t and she just said it’s ok. Everything is ok. And I felt the knot in my stomach loosen and the hurt didn’t hurt as much. I started to calm down. She has that way, she did it at the beach too when I was freaking out in the water she held my hand. Like a sibling would hold onto their younger siblings hand. Comforting. I calmed down and she came over and I had a hell of a lot of fun! She really made my Halloween fucking awesome. Trick or treating was great! And WGI and DCI videos were great.

    So Monday was band jam. And me and izzy were hyping it SO HARD!! It was great. She’s a good friend to me too. It breaks my heart sometimes with what she has to deal with. So I try to be there for her as much as I can. We joke so much I laugh so hard I cry. It’s fantastic. And I see her going big places just like i see Jade going big places. Speaking of which! Jade went to band jam. It made me really happy. More than I could explain. Ok, I’m gonna say it now. I look at her like a big sister. There, I said it. I just won’t tell anyone else. Because I don’t want anyone to think she’s a replacement for Edith. She isn’t. My bond with Jade is different than how things were with Edith they are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE. I don’t want her to think I look at her like I did Edith. Cuz I don’t. At all. Lol during one of her late night hoodlum fueled phone calls she said she wanted to be a big sister to me. And i started crying. Not out of sadness but the fact that I didn’t realize how much she really did love me. I knew she loved me but I think that just solidified it for me. Ok well she came to band jam and it made me really happy cuz I look at her like family and to see her there watching me perform. Just was awesome. Anyway, so band jam was great the drum battle was great. It was fun.

   I got contracted for Dark sky! Super excited for this upcoming season. Even if I am going up against my friends. Uggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh lol it’ll be cool to own. Just kidding. Sorta. Haha well nothing much new with that guy. I still get super girly and weird but ugh whatever. He makes practicing my scales in 4ths and 5ths increasingly hard when he’s so sweet and warm and gah. Shoot me! Whatever I’m going to finish up homework and hopefully have a nightmare free sleep!

Hope your doing well.

    

Entry #8. Tuesday, October 15

Dear ____,

      Sooo it’s been rough. I’m not going to lie. I have been overthinking everything and I just am having problems not drowning. Don’t get me wrong this weekend was great! We beat cal! 2nd place at the field tournament. Our drum major got 1st at the parade! I got to see ismene that was cool! And dark sky auditions part 1 on Sunday. It was great! I missed it. Being around my friends. So that guy showed up to the comp. I couldn’t stop smiling. It was sooo girly lol he came and picked me up and hugged me really tight. He didn’t let go for a while. It felt comforting, made me really calm. And after everything Victor had done and everything that had gone wrong that day. I absolutely loved that hug. It makes me want another hug now. It’s so girlishly gross but hell, it’s the truth haha

    So I was supposed to go dress shopping with Jade today. It didn’t happen. And that’s ok. I was really worried she was going to think I was irritated, but I really wasn’t. I totally get it. Like stuff comes up and I get that! Haha oh well. I miss her.

     The vibes broke today. And it’s my job to fix it as usual. I’m ok with that. I just I feel like I need to go do something outside of sleep and band. Whatever, I just hope I start to feel less like I’m drowning again. I have been without a panic attack for a couple weeks now. I want to keep that.

Hope your doing well. Love you.

Entry #7. Sunday, September 22

Dear ____,

      Yesterday was great, I went to eat pho with my grandma. It was sooooo yummy. I ate everything! Then I went to the office and helped my dad. And got chili cheese dogs. Ad then slept ALOT. All in all, it was a relaxing day.

      Today, I downloaded a bunch of drum corps shows. Cuz I’m livin’ that drum corps geek life! Haha yay! So I woke up to Blue Devils<3 I’m pretty much in love with them. Oh geeze. So today was movie day at my house. It was great! Scott pilgrim vs. The world and pitch perfect. I got Dylan to watch pitch perfect. Mwahaha. AND I got my Vanilla! Takes me back to the first. So yea I love the smell. Yea, that guy? He didn’t come today. They lost Friday’s game and I guess he must be injured. :( I hope he’s ok.

I hope your doing well.

Entry #6. Friday September 20

EyeDear ____,

      So yea it’s been a while…again. oops. Well, school is going great. All A’s and B’s, I’m down for that. Band is… Well it’s going. Drumline needs to get it together. Me and Brendan have it together, minus some stick height issues, but no matter how much I’m a “bitch” and crack down on them, they don’t try. I fear its going to take our first competition to scare them into getting their shit together. I also have to learn to back off and let poptart control the front ensemble. I’m so controlling over both sections and I feel bad. I just feel that if I don’t do it, it won’t get done. Izzy is picking up on my leadership skills. And that makes me very happy because it means they aren’t going to die when I graduate. Plus, I think she’ll be an equal, if not even better, leader than I am.

      Ok so no more drumline. there’s a guy. Oh, yes. I know what your thinking. “The fuck, bro?! Didn’t you just get over the one who kicked you to the curb for college and bitches?” Yupp. Well sue me. I couldn’t help it. I’ll be honest though, I was uneasy when he first came up and started to hang around or even watch me practice. I mean, varsity football player/advanced jazz trumpet player? Yea jazz, you sure did it this time. He just enjoyed kicking it with my group. And then hugging and the cuddling. And now Sunday movie days with Mario kart? Yea. This man boy thing gasp managed to make me uneasy as can be. He’s smart and i can hold valid conversations with him. And hell, I’d be lying if I said that football jersey wasn’t gorgeous on him. But he is actually a sort of intelligent and cute guy! But as Jade has pointed out. There has to be something wrong haha no one is that great.

       I miss Jade. A lot. What can I say? I became attached. Oh well, no use. She’s a good person to be close to. Although, she’d disagree wholeheartedly. As brilliant as she is, she tends to tear herself down. And that breaks my heart. But at the same time she has the I’ll-kick-you-ass-and-look-hott-while-doing-it thing going on. Haha it’s pretty great. She’s running a teaching job and another one on top of school and practice. So I’m pretty much just shooting her texts and rooting her on from the sidelines. She’s going places. Big places. I’m happy for her. I hope I see her soon. I got her something. I don’t know if she’ll like it but we’ll see.

        Austin started talking to me again. I missed him. He was my best guy friend and then everything with Edith happened and I lost all my friends. But still he stuck around. And that makes me happy. Oh yea, Edith and me haven’t talked yet. And strangely, that’s ok. I’m living my life and she’s living hers. She walked out on my life even after she knows how that would work on me emotionally. And that’s ok. Because guess what? I’m still here. I’m still strong.  And the people who stuck by me through it are who I love dearly. Everything happens for a reason.

Hope your doing well.

Entry #5. Wednesday, August 14

Dear ____,

     So yea not much has been happening. I started school again. And it’s going to be hard not to give my English teacher hell. She isn’t a Puente teacher. Mora is. Mora should be teaching this class. But I guess it helps that this new teacher looks like the matchmaker from mulan lol Alex wouldn’t stop whispering lines from the movie behind me in class, sooo great. It should be a pretty chill year.

     So yea, that guy I kissed? Yea, it’s not happenin’. “The long distance thing wouldn’t work.” Fair enough. At least it solidified what I already had assumed.

      Speaking of shady guys! My lovely (douchey as fuck) ex decided to show up at a rehearsal. Yay. After what I found out recently, I just want to punch him. I want to say it not worth my time but karma is working fucking slow. Whatever I guess.

    So Edith texted me. Yea after all the fighting and ignoring. I suddenly exist again. I don’t know. I told her I wanna have a sit down and talk it all out. Lay everything out on the table. And from there see what’s cracking. I can’t honestly say I want her out of my life. I mean after everything she has done to help me, I just don’t want it to end with all the anger and tension. Soooo yea, we’ll talk soon i guess.

   My tenors are being fixed! Yay! Super excited! Hmm do you ever have that one cool guy friend that you just totally love and you can be around and not worry about anything? Yea it’s fucking great lol welp, I’m listening to death cab for cutie as we speak. Underneath the sycamore. It’s great.

Hope you are doing well.

Entry #4. Sunday, August 11.

Dear ____,
 
   it’s been a while…. again. Oops. Lol well I have been doing pretty good! About two weeks ago my family took off to big bear and I stayed behind by myself. Or at least that’s what I thought would happen originally. Turns out one of my friends came to stay with me. I didn’t think she’d be down to spend the weekend at my house. Cuz well I don’t know. She’s perplexing, full of surprises. Haha so that weekend she picked me up on Saturday and took me to a baby shower. My first baby shower. She made me play all the games, I sucked at all of them! But I’d be lying if I said they weren’t fun. We left early and went to my house. Ate. Watched magic Mike, because channing Tatum<3 and then did some hoodlum shiet till ungodly hours of the morning. Sunday, she had stuffs to do during the day, but she made the most fucking amazing breakfast I have had in a loong time. She left after breakfast, so I cleaned the house. And napped. And ate. All that fun stuff. She got back to my house and we ate grilled cheese because we are “grilled cheese whores” xD it was great. Then we went on my roof and talked about everything. I even kinda talked about things that scared me. And I listened to her talk about different things. I notice little things, sometimes they are big things. But I never mention them haha I wait for people to say it. I don’t want it to be weird if I say it. We briefly talked about that on the roof. She told me I should just say it, I kinda did. Then we went inside and watched mtv. It was great cuz she was knocking out but she was half asleep but listening to me. So I asked her if she’d ever be on the rivals challenge thing and she was like “I’d be Rafael!” And I would have died of laughter if she wasn’t so sleepy. I didn’t wanna be obnoxious. Haha so we went to bed. All in all, it was a bad ass weekend. I found out that we can be really alike but total opposites. And still get along. I thought that was cool.

    I went to Disneyland for 3 days! Fun stuff. I missed my cousin kaylei I wish she could stay. I honestly don’t think it’s right how things go for her back in Georgia. My dad thinks she’ll be back to stay when she’s 16 or 17. When I got back from Disneyland, I had band camp. At first I was not down for that. But the drumline has been getting along so well it’s been awesome. Even me and Brendan are getting along?! What?! We even got matching bandanas! #dattenorhype oh yea! I play tenors again. Yay! I’m happier here. So I found out adrizzle, Victor, and mando are in da threeway relationship. I CAAAAAALLLED it! Me and my friend had been talking about it the day before I found out. I’m still waiting for her to figure it out! I don’t know if she has yet! Sooo funny!

   Well, I was gonna talk about my feels and junk for that guy I kissed. And Edith wanting to talk. But fuck it. I’ll save that for later or something. I’m too happy right now to go into the feels. Feelings suck. Haha peace out!

As usual, I hope your doing well.

Entry #3. Wednesday, July 24

Dear _____,

   Oops, it’s been a while. I’m supposed to be writing everyday but yea I shot that in the face on accident. Soo let’s back up to the DCI show. It went terribly. Edith bitched about every God damn corps that performed. Even gold -_- so during the break I dragged her down so I could see my gold and dark sky buddies. I missed them all like crazy more than I can explain. She said hi to imagine but everyone else I tried to introduce her to she refused to speak. Even if I tried including her in the conversation she would have this really like “I’m too good to be here” attitude and it pissed me off but I kept it together. She then proceeded to say how she is going to try out for PC with no prior trumpet or corps experience and not marching in 3 years. I suggested that Maybe she try out for an open group before world and she bashed on open groups, like wtf! THEN! After all that we talked about BD and I said I want to March BD someday and she might as well have laughed in my face. It was really discouraging. I get it. I’m no prodigy and their pit is certainly not like dark sky’s but I can work hard and make it! The least she could have done was have some faith in me. But nope. Then she left me. At the comp. Just took off. Then she called me asking if I could get a ride home from someone else and I couldn’t so she got irritated she had to take me home. Oh? I’m sorry I’m such a motherfucking inconvenience . I missed out on the dark sky reunion photos because she made it sound she had been waiting at her car for hours. I had to wait for her xP whatever. I didn’t think anything bad about that night. I thought it went well. Until she reacted me the next day telling me off. And when I told her “your upset. I’m sorry. Your stabbing in the dark though. When you want to talk. Let me know. Love you. Goodnight” she got even more angry and told me I was trying to make her look like the bad guy. I just didn’t really after that. I haven’t talked to her since. Maybe it’s for the best. I mean how much can I mean to her as a little sister if she can just use me as a punching bag and not care? Oh well.

    The rest of last week was not to eventful. Got out of summer school! Woo! Kissed a guy I have feelings for. Too bad we didn’t have a convo on where the fuck that leaves us?! Haha ooooopps! Sounds like something I would do. I did do some “hoodlums” stuffs at the park with him. Just spent the day with him. I enjoyed myself. I was really content.

  Today! I went shopping for this weekend. It’s going to be a fun weekend. I get to spend it with someone who has come to be a good friend to me. And I really enjoy having her around. It also helps she’s pretty fucking hilarious! She teaches me things I guess. I don’t think she realizes it either lol we’ll see! 

I hope your doing well.